Pexels/Philip Boakye
My daughter commands my attention at all times. She won’t take no for answer. She demands to have her way. She is completely unreasonable. She’s also 4 months old, which is why I find myself particularly perturbed when people refer to her — or any other baby, for that matter — as spoiled. As much as humanly possible, I try my hardest to refrain from taking such comments to heart because deep down inside, I know that they’re coming from a place of ignorance — not malice. However, I will admit that quite a few four-lettered words come to mind.
For several weeks after the birth of my daughter, I can recall being worried sick that I would somehow ruin my baby thanks to the constant commentary of well-meaning loved ones.
“Don’t pick her up every time she cries, you’ll spoil her.”
“Don’t sit up holding that baby. You’ll spoil her.”
“Don’t let her in your bed, she’ll never leave.”
Oh, and my personal favorite: “Let her cry a little bit. It’s good for her lungs.”
I spent the better half of my daughter’s first few weeks agonizingly torn between my natural maternal instincts to cater to my baby’s needs and the external voices that shamed me for doing so. I thank God every single day that my instincts won.
When you’re navigating through that postpartum fog, especially the first time around, you rely so heavily on the members of your village for support and reassurance. Which is why it’s particularly soul-crushing when those same people tell you that doing what you’ve been innately wired to do is somehow wrong.
Sis listen, if no one else had told you today, this week, or this month: You are not spoiling your baby by catering to her needs.
The unrealistic expectations placed on infants by modern western culture is deeply troubling. Mere weeks after a newborn exits the womb, we’re expecting them to sleep through the night, sleep independently, conform to a schedule, and spend an unreasonable amount of time away from the person they spent nearly 10 months comfortably nestled inside of. All of that is unnatural but society pretends that it is because it would make our lives more convenient.
If she cries, she’s miserable.
If she wants to be held, she spoiled.
If she sleeps through the night, she’s a good baby. Oh, but if she doesn’t, she’s not?
Sis, please stop subjecting yourself and your child to this unfounded criticism. Let’s talk through some actual science to help put your mind at ease.
First of all, it’s impossible to spoil a baby
Infants have not acquired language so crying is how they communicate. They cry to let you know they’re hungry, tired, overstimulated, uncomfortable or even lonely. Contrary to what many folks would lead you to believe, babies have emotional needs. They require constant attention.
“A challenge of the newborn is getting to know that the world is somehow reliable and trustworthy, that his or her basic needs will be met,” child psychologist J. Kevin Nugent, director of the Brazelton Institute at Children’s Hospital in Boston tells Wed M.D.
He adds that responding to a baby’s cues “isn’t a matter of spoiling, it’s a matter of meeting the child’s needs.”
According to a child development survey conducted by the University of Michigan, 44 percent of parents and 60 grandparents believe that you can spoil a three-month-old by picking her up every time she cries. This could not be further from the truth. Babies do not cry to manipulate their parents, they cry when something is wrong.
Second of all, you can’t hold your baby too much
There is no such thing as holding your baby too much. In fact, research has proven that parental touch if crucial to an infant’s brain development.
Psychology Today explains:
“Babies are meant to be held. This should start immediately. First impressions of you and the world are fundamental. Can they relax into being? Learning a deep relaxation and sense of peace is what they will carry forward into life. If they don’t have a regular experience of relaxing into loving arms, they may never learn to relax and let go. Such a letting go is vital for health (Kabat-Zinn, 1991). “
This baby spent nearly 10 months nestled in your womb, of course, she wants to feel your touch as much as possible. You’re will not spoil your baby by catering to this need.
Third of all, leaving your baby to cry is not helpful in any sort of way
Remember when we talked about babies being incapable of manipulation? So, if she’s crying, it’s for a reason. By regularly leaving your baby to cry unnecessarily, you’re causing her distress and cultivating distrust and anxiety. You’re teaching her that you can’t be relied on and we both know that’s not true. Psychology Today explains:
“As Erik Erikson pointed out, the first year of life is a sensitive period for establishing a sense of trust in the world, the world of caregiver and the world of self. When a baby’s needs are met without distress, the child learns that the world is a trustworthy place, that relationships are supportive, and that the self is a positive entity that can get its needs met. When a baby’s needs are dismissed or ignored, the child develops a sense of mistrust of relationships and the world. And self-confidence is undermined. The child may spend a lifetime trying to fill the resulting inner emptiness.”
Independent time is great for an infant’s development, but it should under no circumstances be forced on her.
Our children will only be babies for a brief moment in time. Love on her and cuddle her without feeling guilty about it. It’s perfectly okay. You will not spoil your baby. Science says so.
