Originally published on Madame Noire
When I learned of Kobe Bryant’s tragic passing, it was an otherwise quiet Sunday afternoon. My family and I were out and about running errands and somewhere between dropping the dog to the groomer and making a Target run to re-up on toiletries, we were jolted from the monotony of family life and reminded to cherish each moment that we have with one another — even the mundane —because tomorrow is not promised.
My husband, a devoted basketball fan saw it first. “Get the hell out of here,” he said while looking down at his phone. I asked what was going on, but for a few seconds, he was unable to get the words out. I looked down at my phone and went to scroll through my Instagram timeline and then I saw it. Immediately, I knew what he was talking about.
As the denial turned to disbelief and then shock, I couldn’t stop thinking about Kobe’s wife, Vanessa. “They have a newborn” is all I could manage to say, over and over. Motherhood is an all-consuming role, and as I tried to imagine how Vanessa must feel as she mourns the loss of both her husband and daughter while simultaneously caring for their three surviving daughters, my heart ached for her.
Mothering through grief is an especially complex and heartbreaking predicament to be in. As the world seems to fall apart around you, you have to hold it together well enough to not neglect the little lives you’re tasked with caring for.
“I believe the hardest part of grieving was having to be there still for my daughter because she lost her aunt, and also my dad lost a daughter,” said New York City-based entrepreneur and mother Jazamine Davis. Davis suddenly lost her sister, Tiffany Wright, several years ago. Wright, who showed no signs of being ill, went to sleep one night and didn’t wake up the next morning.
“As a mom, it was like you don’t have time to grieve, just be strong for those around you,” Davis shared.
The host of the faith-based podcast, “A Single Girl’s Diary,” and t-shirt designer, admits that her inability to properly grieve resulted in her falling into depression, which manifested in quite a few ways — including sleep deprivation.
“I didn’t sleep well out of fear of dying in my sleep, yet I still had to be fully functional for my daughter in the daytime,” Davis recalled. “It definitely showed in other areas like housekeeping and personal upkeep. I just didn’t have the will to do much afterward. I was basically a functioning depressed person.”
It’s especially difficult to continue operating like a well-oiled mothering machine when you’ve experienced a traumatic loss, which is why psychotherapist Sara Elysée recommends that mothers fall back on their village during trying times — especially if they’re feeling emotionally unstable.
“If you have a community of support, get help from them,” said Elysée, who owns Florida-based practice, SOUNDMIND Wellness Center. “While we’re grieving, our minds are so foggy, we can’t really see what’s going on. So that’s why it’s really important to have people around who can support you so that they can take the kids away for a little bit or come and stay with you for a little bit.”
Additionally, Elysèe advised grieving moms to be specific about how they want to be supported and how they do not wish to be supported.
“It’s okay to say, ‘What you just said, I know you meant well, but that’s not helping me. It’s okay to be angry. Most of the time you don’t hear that. It’s okay to be sad. You have to allow yourself to feel and experience the emotions that come with that grief.”
As for managing the emotional tone of your home while grieving, as mothers, we naturally want to shield our children from our grief, but Elysée advises moms to speak to their children about what they’re going through.
“It’s okay to say, ‘Listen, mommy is sad right now. It’s okay to be upset. It’s okay to be angry. Let’s have this conversation. There’s gonna be days where mommy doesn’t want to talk. You’re gonna see mommy crying.’ It’s okay to normalize those emotions,” she explained.
It’s also important to remember that your children may be grieving as well and give them the time and space to express themselves.
“You can say, “We’re going to sit for 30 minutes today so we can sit and reflect on the life of your lost loved one. Maybe you can sit around the dinner table and talk about their loves or the good times,”Elysée said. “You can even talk about being angry and sad. You do what’s best for your household and your family.”
